Pat-down searches now required at airports – assuming the airport security staff is mostly gorgeous people, this could be healthy fun for everyone. Let’s do this groping worldwide, not only in America. Imagine the possibilities…

Humour – His attempt at terrorism has been called The Christmas Crotchfire Attack. And today, as we lit up firecrackers for New Years Day, the ones that wouldn’t ignite were named the Abdulmuttalibs. Abdul Mutilate-A-Balls. Because we love fart and butt jokes and we still can’t pronounce non-Anglo names.

Now that it’s clear that I don’t really mean the title, and that there’s no need to put me on any bloated security lists even though I have been to Yemen (possibly my most beautiful place in the world ) and sometimes say insha’Allah and al-hamdulillah, let’s take a look at serious reasons why I don’t exactly pity or loathe the guy:

he “got radicalized.” He came to believe in something so much that he was willing to give his life for it. Although clarity and singleness of purpose can be beautiful, I, as a scientist, do not have ANY fundamentalist beliefs – who knows what modifying discoveries tomorrow may bring?

I may admire his quest for purity, but I don’t admire his willingness to kill other people to make his political statement. I think from now on, we need to think more Gandhi, Woodrow Wilson, Mandela – more nonviolence – and less war. I know he’ll come to this realization over the next many years in prison, and I hope he can make amends for this foolishness that caused him to take to the air and nearly kill hundreds of people, human beings.

I think renegade terrorists and state-sponsored terrorists alike need to move on from their brutal business.

I think terms like preemptive strike and war-on-terror are rubbish, and that by my standards I haven’t yet seen a just war fought by the US in the last ten years.

What happened to the Powell Doctrine? Where are our military philosophers? Are they really dumb and unimaginative, are they not being heard or are they just not speaking up anymore?

Fear is not an excuse for war. Greed or creed should never be an excuse for war. Land and country often have been excuses for war. I say we get some flexibility about how important “owning” land is, or how sacred country or faith is relative to a single human life.

The only thing that ought to excuse war has been extinguished by now: a need to get food to survive. The world now produces enough food (in total, not evenly so.) My friends, we now have no excuse for killing one another.

Because we are young as a human race, there may still be times when a show of violence is needed. In those times, it will be very clear that what was averted was a clear and certain danger of big big size compared to the violence applied. Such a war won’t take years, costing even the aggressor hundreds or thousands of lives.

By this standard, Israel-Palestine is a rubbish war that ought not to be happening. Maybe we need to execute – ok, not really – the leaders on both sides because both countries are mired in hopelessness (one being reduced to a military state, the other a prison) while the leaders seem to think fighting is cool. End the bloody war: Call in Powell, Mandela, and friends. Divide up the land between the warring groups. Take feedback for a short while and make adjustments, supervised by people / institutions with high credibility as people of fairness and peace. Use military or legal force against those few who would rather have the baby cut in half, who want Jerusalem for themselves alone at whatever cost to their civilization.

Likewise, Iraq and Afghanistan should be about getting the so-called Allied Forces out while keeping down the risk of civil war. I mean, really, I feel bad for the soldiers whose mission seems impossible to accomplish simply because it is endless. To think some of them only joined the Forces to get money for school.

This first day of 2010, one week after the averted body bomb attack, I am thankful that George W. Bush is no longer the POTUS. Because sometimes bone-headed crackerpants come from accomplished families.

So now that Umar Abdulmutallab has got his fair share of vile from all “concerned Nigerians”, let us return to face the hard truths of the matter. We are not a nation of terrorists, but we have our own mammoth of problems which include poverty, drug trafficking, bad governments, militia unrest and financial crime, which are neither better than terrorism nor good for our global image as well. There are lots of things to do with my time now that the University’s resumption date is still over a week away, and the cold weather has confined the traveller to his now king-sized bed in a cozy Cougar Village apartment so I am discovering humour and satire, both as instruments of social transformation as well as personal coping device against inevitable idleness. Over the past couple of days, I have come up with a theme which would no doubt make some folks wince over there around the Niger river. But they are not just jokes. They are nuggets that should force a re-examination of the current state of the Nigerian polity.  Feel free to copy them if you dare, design them with Corel Draw and appropriate caricatures, paste them on your car or shirts, and share them with your friends on Facebook. Include, if it makes you feel better, the texts: “KTravula.com’s Politically Incorrect”  or “Nigerianstalk.com’s Terror Humour”.

After all, self-examination is really the best first cure for most anomalies.

Bumper Stickers You Will Never See

• “I’m Nigerian, not a terrorist. I don’t kill people that’re not from another part of my country.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I kidnap foreigners, but I don’t blow them up. That’s not my style!”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I’m a 419 Internet Scam artist, not a terrorist. Don’t spoil my image!”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I destroy oil pipelines, not airplanes.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. Whenever we blow ourselves, we are actually coming, not going.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I smuggle cocaine, heroine and weed in my pants. Not explosives!”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I would kill and die for political positions, not for martyrdom.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I murder for tribe, and not for cause. I can never make a good terrorist!”
• “I’m a Nigerian. The only virgins I want are the ones I can marry, or make into mistresses.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. I get my virgins before they head out to Italy. They’re not in Yemen, or Heaven.”
• “I’m a Nigerian. The only cause I support is the one that fills my tummy, not blow off my junk!”
• “I’m a Nigerian, and not a terrorist. I can never blow myself (up) to save my life!”

Seek ways to make them more sarcastic, if possible, more biting. The more acerbic, the better. Let us go out there and wake the country’s conscience up with subversive humour! Maybe it still has a conscience left to wake, not for America, but for ourselves. I would recommend this beyond the usual cry for the head of Abdulmutallab which by now should be nearing its climax. When all is said and done, it is who we are that would matter as we return to our routine lives in the course of the coming weeks and months. What will stand the test of time? Do we move forward in some way or do we return to the inner inequalities and lesser evils that make this particular case just a case of the first among equals of evil?