You might have sensed that I don’t include myself in the category of ‘Nigerian women desperate to get married’. If so, you are correct. Admittedly, I do occasionally have flamboyant fantasies about marriage, or rather weddings. A beautiful white dress, a romantically decorated garden, a knight in shining armour to settle into marital bliss and live happily ever after with, what girl would not desire that?
However, in real life, the picture-perfect marriage does not exist for me. Although I respect matrimony as a spiritual acknowledgment of companionship, I just can’t fool myself into believing in the Cinderella myth.
In a recent interview, author Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie pointed out that ‘marriage as an institution isn’t set up to benefit women’. I sympathize with her, it is for this same reason that I see life as an empowered woman and life as a married woman as conflicting.
Hence, I like to think that should I get married some day, my marriage vows and my general attitude towards the legal union will be tailor-made to suit a lifestyle where my partner and I start off on equal terms.
Due to my opinion on marriage, pressure from people no longer annoys me as much. I understand that it is the well wish of at least family, that I find someone to settle down with, and that for them marriage symbolizes happiness, which they wish for me.
Yet, it worries me that so many Nigerian women blindly believe in the fairy tale, even though it means that some of the independence we have gained goes lost. It troubles me also, that generally we Nigerian women are so pressured to get hitched that we forget that love is more important than marriage. Love comes first, then marriage. For this reason, it would make me smile if instead of asking when I plan to marry, a relative for once urged me not to marry anyone I don’t love.
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I understand the conflict between marriage and being empowered but I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. I watched the interview with Chimamanda and while I also disapprove of the gratitude expected of women on getting married, she used the word dangerous, which I disagree with. A marriage is what any individual woman makes of it.
ps, loomie directed me here from buzz, imagine my surprise to see you’re the writer. 🙂
I agree with you, marriage especially in the Nigerian context bothers me There is still a lot of that ‘be submissive to you husband’ nonsense floating around. The fact that a woman is expected to cede ownership of her identity to her husband just drives me up the wall and basically makes me give marriage a huge side eye.
I agree but let’s play devil’s advocate for a second.
The whole “thou shalt marry before thou reaches thou’s 30th year” thing is fed with people alongside a whole list of other commandments. If one rejects this one “submission to one’s husband” thing, then what/who decides what of the other commandments stays in one’s moral code? Does one go about picking away up rules as you would in a buffet, or do you bear the burden of the most uncomfortable rules for adherence sake on sheer faith? If everyone picked-and-chose their favorite rules (like men who like the “women be submissive” but not the “men should honor” part) is that a good or bad thing for religion and moral codes as a whole?
@ Myne, was a busy couple of days 😉
I agree that each marriage is unique and some are very successful with effort from both partners.
My grief is directed more so at the ‘institution’ of marriage, one which I don’t believe was developed in consent with women’s rights and equality.
In lack of a better comparison, in my opinion remaining an empowered woman in a (traditional) marriage is a bit like riding a bike up a hill. It can be done, but will require more work than if you had a range rover.
@ Omosi T, I’m sickened by it too. A huge no of Nigerian women still believe they should be submissive to their spouse, accept his potential affairs, cook his food as marital duties etc etc etc.
@Saratu, you raise a very interesting point. I actually quite like the comparison to a buffet. I think each individual needs to pick the ‘commandments’ that suit their moral code from the ‘buffet’, and then live their life with integrity and stick to the codes. Moral codes are related to religion, but in a society of multiple beliefs, we must respect that everyone has different values and that some will be based on culture, upbringing etc just as much as religion. Honouring your partner should certainly not be dependent on them being submissive to you.
Sometimes I laugh heartily at the attitudes of today’s “empowered woman”. Many of us have been so brainwashed by the negative aspects of feminism that we believe we cannot put down our pride once in a while, for the greater good of our relationships.
Why is the word “submission” such a taboo to our generation? Who are you that you cannot submit to someone? Are you always right? Do you not make mistakes? Do you not make foolish choices sometimes? Do you not need correction from time to time? Do you not need to have your mind expanded once in a while from seeing another person’s point of view?
Tell me, which would be a better quality to have: stubbornness or submission?
After all when you are at work, you submit to your boss without complaint, otherwise you would find yourself out of a job. If it takes submission to make your marriage happy and peaceful, is that a price too high to pay?
You say you and your man must start off on equal terms? What does that mean exactly? Same financial status? Same level in your careers? Same level of worldly exposure? Are those the principles that underpin a lasting, successful marriage? You have a lot to learn, my friend, and it is not about age, it’s not about education, not even about intelligence, but wisdom. And wisdom comes from experience. Being “empowered” has nothing, absolutely nothing to do with being wise.
@ Bibi, you seem to have jumped ahead of me here…
I should perhaps have clarified. In my opinion being empowered = being fully aware of ones capabilities to love, influence, learn and share experiences with other individuals. In short, being in control of one’s own life. And indeed, being wise.
Like you, I don’t care much for feminists, or any other people for that matter, who are selfish and narcissistic, which is basically the character you have described.
I think that equal status in a marriage is respect and acknowledgment to the fact that neither spouse is more valuable than the other. I would not like my partner to be submissive (or stubborn) towards me, or vice versa! Of course successful relationships are give-and-take, that has nothing to do with stubbornness nor submissiveness, but mutually respectful compromise.
A boss, and a husband, hence is a comparison I can’t quite grasp
I like the authors voice in this article, I can hear a very measured and quite simply calm response to something which as a single, over 25 Nigerian woman is thrown in my face in not very calm or sensible ways.
I agree with Myne, I don’t think being married and empowered are mutually exclusive, but I disagree wholeheartedly with Bibi. The issue is not that women who believe themselves to be empowered are not willing to submit, or learn or even that we are not willing to make a home for our men and our children. That in itself is part of our empowerment, our ability to love and give.
My problem is that in your response, I hear only a reaction of extremes. A woman who does not want to marry and submit in the Naija way is deluded because clearly that is the route to happiness abi? You ask what is equal? I believe all the things you question are exactly things that you should be equal on. I refuse to be ‘grateful’ that any man married me to give me money, raise my status or get me a car. If my husband is to be the head of my family, then I will be the neck not his pillow.
@Bibi: I’d rather be alone than take your advice. And if that makes me stubborn then crown me and I’ll own it.
Anyone who plans to submit to their husband in the name of a peaceful successful marriage without expecting their husband to EQUALLY submit to them…..
Anyone who plans to accept affairs, indiscretions, and all manner of betrayals against their person (not to mention the risk of Herpes and HIV) in the name of marriage…
Anyone who plans to sacrifice themselves and live a half life at the beck and call and whim of a man who may support you but could crush you at any moment in the name of submission and “traditional” (read imported Victorian European) values…
Any such person is a fool.
Marriage is not a relationship between master and servant. Nor is it a relationship between Boss and Worker or superior and inferior. Marriage is a union of PARTNERS (each part equaling HALF) that come together to make the WHOLE. If I can not find a man who will stand beside me as my equal and support and love me as I support and love him as we move through our lives TOGETHER, then I’d rather go down the road and buy kuli-kuli and soak my garri on my own than get married if what you Bibi are proposing is the alternative.
So excuse me while I revel in stubbornness. Everything in life has its uses has it not?
I believe that the media has done an excellent job in promoting the ‘WEDDING’ DAY and not the marriage. Anyone can go down the aisle in a flamboyant white dress and recite some vows but not everyone is willing to invest and perservere through the institution of marriage which is really two people that genuinely love each other which means i’m stil by yourside through the storms of life, trials and tribulations, wrinkles,bags and all. Marriage is about two people working together towards the fulfilment of God’s divine plan for their lives. The same way we have order in the workplace – employer & employees and in the education system – teacher and student or in counselling – the therapist and the client….is the same way we have positions in marriage. Two captains cannot operate a ship. The wife’s role to empower, support and build the home is just as powerful as the mans to lead. Do you think that President Obama is the one controlling the United states…no…his team of staff are highly influential in the policies presented etc
In the bible where it talks about SUBMISSION if you read it carefully it illustrates how the wife AND husband are meant to SUBMIT one to another and the husband is meant to love his wife like he loves himself and the church…what is so degrading or exploitative about that?
My husband is a very influential and well respected man in his line of work, and respects african tradition…however he is the one man that has empowered me to fulfil my academic and career goals, constantly pushing me to go to the next level and in doing so the benefits and rewards elevate us both financially and emotionally. He loves to be served but he has no problem making me breakfast,lunch and dinner, bathing the baby etc he’s not perfect but I have never felt our marriage as a prison sentence or as a slap in the face as a proud LIBERATED, empowered woman. I watched the Adichie interview on CNN and I dont agree with her, the same way she talks about the ‘danger of the single story’ we should not be quick to define a blessed union between two people as dangerous or oppressive to women. Maybe her circle of friends reflect her subjective view point
but there are many successful nigerian women enjoying the benefits of marriage.
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